


in her skin

by thunderylee



Category: Kanjani8 (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Depression, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, attempted self-mutilation, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-08
Updated: 2010-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-30 08:58:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12650349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: Prompt: It’s hard to work as a boy when you really think about yourself as a girl.





	in her skin

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck. written for an anonymeme.

Curls brushed against his bare shoulder, bringing a smile to the tinted lips in his reflection. “Yuuko,” as they called her, stared back at him, carefree and vibrant without being trapped in the wrong body.

At least he was pretty, Tegoshi assured himself. He was blessed with a feminine face, his voice conditioned to sound high and cute. If he wore a scarf around his neck, maybe the silk one with the orange-and-lavender floral print that Massu got him for his birthday, he could hide his Adam’s apple and fool himself even more.

He had to think on the bright side; the pills made him.

Ryo found out first, back when Tegoshi was too young to understand what it was. Gender Identity Disorder, the doctors said – or at least Ryo’s oldest brother who was a pharmacist. They didn’t trust anyone else to keep their secret.

At fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, Tegoshi didn’t think anything was wrong with feeling more comfortable in dresses, the air breezing between his bare thighs as he walked. He spoke politely, respectfully, moving with poise and grace and everything his mother had raised him to be.

Originally, he wanted to be a Johnny because Johnnies were pretty and girly. He saw the senpai wearing dresses and thought it would be okay, that it was normal and he would be accepted into a group of like-minded people.

That was not the case. It quickly became obvious that the other boys in the group saw it as entertainment, making a mockery of the beauty and sanctity that Tegoshi felt every day. It came as such a shock that he didn’t tell any of them, pretending to be someone he definitely wasn’t and falling victim to the harsh accusations that suddenly formed in his own mind.

Now he wanted to be a Johnny because that was the only way he could be free.

It was by complete coincidence that Ryo found out. A miracle, even, as Tegoshi had already reached the point of detachment. Lost in his self-hate, the only logical conclusion was to get rid of it, and thus Ryo followed him into the bathroom just in time to stop him from taking a knife to the only part of him that was decidedly male.

The thought of Ryo’s terrified tears, coupled with the medication, kept him from even considering that again. Over the years, Ryo taught him to accept that part, going as far as to make him feel good by touching it and using it to make Ryo feel good in return. Tegoshi had since made peace with it, understanding that it was what he was given even if he didn’t agree.

“Yuuko” was Yamapi’s way of dealing with it, wanting Tegoshi to be comfortable on stage even if none of this made sense to him. He _shone_ when he primped as Yuuko, Yamapi claimed, and that was all he needed to see.

Shige didn’t seem surprised, Koyama was even more sympathetic and protective (if that was possible), and Massu just started buying Tegoshi more feminine clothes and accessories. Tegoshi was really grateful to have a group that accepted him and loved him unconditionally, even if he sometimes let his vanity take over. Often. A lot.

It was because of them that he could be confident in this skin.

Now he grinned at his reflection, trying to ignore how his makeup was a little trashy for his tastes. Ryo liked it better that way, even if it made him feel like a whore. Ryo told him – and Yamapi backed it up – that girls usually made sacrifices like that for their boyfriends.

Standing in a sleek mini-dress with blue eyelids and fake, French-manicured fingernails, Tegoshi had never felt more normal.


End file.
